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Honestly?? I ask myself

Honestly?? I ask myself

 03 June 2022  |    Jahnavi Gurjer

Simple yet impactful prose throws light on the multifaceted roles of women in terms of their career, life, and most importantly their relationship with themselves which is increasingly complex. It is a comprehensive and personal insight into a woman's mind at the workplace

Hey gorgeous
the day isn’t cold, not too warm either
a gentle breeze, I heard - attempted to mangle your tresses
the coffee’s brewed - just perfect
no lipstick stains either on the rim of the ivory cup, thankfully
perfect, just the way you like it
then why aren’t you savouring the moment right here?
Is this me?
you oft wondered…
curious, whether it was normal
anxious to find resonance
did you then find your answers?
‘well’ he said, ‘we couldn’t have made it through without you’
you know he meant it, yet you posed nonchalant
not acknowledging it, maybe - this is your safety net
he repeated himself, patiently seeking your response
you chose to ignore, yet again, you wanted more
then why did you hold back?
I saw you cry, I asked you why?
you said ‘nothing’ and brusquely walked away
I saw you cry, I asked you why?
you said ‘nothing’ but waited for a moment, then you walked away
did walking away stop you cry?
that day, rather yesterday, you heard the accolades
you sensed them - genuine and deserving
specifically, when that nasty critic stood up and clapped - thunderous and loud
you felt it - the praises were real, and your toil was finally recognized
standing amidst those naysayers, you found comfort
the acceptance, being one amidst them – finally!!
then why the regret - did it come a tad bit too late?

the letters you wrote - seeking resumption of ties
chances you craved, moments you relived - they were special, the siblings, the
some stayed, some departed
like water, they all had found their own ways
at times the fondness tugged, a few even hurt
when some came back, you seemed awkward, you felt dirty
did you then outgrow some?
you nagged tirelessly - of insufficiencies
partially affirming a few abundancies
you swayed frequently - from happy to sad, from glad to mad
wishing you wouldn’t, but helpless you couldn’t
you crucified him and several others
finding momentary solace - in old wives’ tales, and self-help forwards
you agreed to come to terms, you committed to being Zen
knowing that you had no choice, but to live
you swore by wellbeing - you publicly eulogized its benefits
often compelling yourself to believe
you raised the decibel, you altered the tone
justifying perceptions between being moralistic and otherwise
then why now, are you still restless?
the dichotomies, never-ending,
between right and wrong, between should and shouldn’t
you have become, your own slave-like words voluntarily suffocating themselves
between the covers of a hard bind
strengthening the stereotype, you claim to be different - how?
you yearn to belong and yet riot to be liberated
the anchors you desperately want to lose while you run even closer to them
you hold on tight, you like being secure, yet you relish the distance - why?
between self and others, choosing to ignore, you prioritize them even more
did you ever realize, woman - you aren’t getting anywhere near paradise?
life can be a bitch - but you ain’t less, only sexier
I hear you laugh, I hear you whine
claiming to be oppressed, staying comfortable in that hell
choices done, can be undone, I know you know this
whimsical as you are, I have witnessed you otherwise
arguments that violate you, stories that deceit you

vacillating between optimism and pessimism
‘crazy’ should have been your middle name - woman
I spot you enjoying this ride - folded at the creases, and rough on the edges
then why now, are you insanely hunting down that illusion - perfection?
you ask the mirror, ‘is this me’? or ‘who is she’?
straining to hear, the words you already know
you think, you feel, you lose the moment, the skeletons - they speak
‘is now the right time’? I hear you introspect
but who the hell cares - you want to know
‘have I been good’? ‘am I virtuous’, ‘have I done my duties well?’
the chaos of your responses - I’m deafened by their cacophony
not quite the musical opera you had longed to hear - noisy to the core
suddenly I spot the baton, t’was - ‘held all along in your own hand
did you not feel it, I curiously ask, or was it too limp to take charge of the mask?
you have been irresponsible off late, even I fail to understand you
peals of laughter suddenly burst into tears - ‘oh good lord! let’s blame the
hormones’, they say
harnessing them in your benevolence, you say ‘expectations I have nay’
however, the slightest inflexion in their tones moves you into total disarray
you scream like a woman possessed, at the slightest chance of being distressed
‘come to me’ you say, while subtly holding them at ransom
you trip over your own feet, in your haste to defeat - why, who?
I have seen you fall and fail, but I also have seen rise
you have mysteries, secrets untold - keep them safe I say
for treasures like those are not meant to banish away
‘what next’? you ask with tepid doubt
knowing neither joy nor tears will forever stay
you fear for them, you cover for them, you live for them
I see you sparkle in the night sky, I see you shine through its darkness
I believe you know you can,
then why now are you living this life of refrain?
hey there gorgeous, it’s time for that coffee again
I heard it is freshly brewed
once more, the breeze I believe will mangle your tresses
you, I know can stay insane,
you, I vouch will get confused, but
you, I know have a choice
to remain not unhappy and yet not happy, unless….

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